Nighttime
I noticed today that it got darker a little earlier than normal. Why do I feel like I should mention this? Because all summer I was hoping for something…don’t know what…and nothing really happened. I guess this is the stretch of life after school. Think about it. We spend 18 years in school… everything figured out, routine in place, vacations all planned, weekends solid. 18 years of sameness is a long time of habitualnes to forget. Is habitualness a word? Tack on 4 years for my college education, then consider the fact I was a full-time teacher for one year (thus subscribing to the same schoolish routine), and that is TWENTY THREE years of June = summer, end of August = school year. I’m about to turn 26, so I’ve really only had 3 years of pointless direction in which to wander. 3 years is both a long and and a short time. And as for summers, I spent summer #1 of freedom moving to New York, and summer #2 of freedom traveling around India. So no wonder I am the way I am right now.
I can only blame myself for nothing happening this summer. My motivation wavered, partially due to the heat, partially due to my own self-consciousness. Pretty lame to hear that I have self-conscious issues when I seem to be pretty proud of my photography. The truth is I really doubt people could honestly care about MY work. What’s in it for them? Nothing really. I’m not terribly interesting, rich, or well connected (or cute… for all the men to become fans of me). If there is someone who likes my work enough to tell me so, then I am unbelievably flattered. There have been a couple people this summer who have consistently talked to me about my work…. thank you. Do all artists suffer from this complex? Everyone I know seems to be so confident, and actually be going somewhere with their work, while I am just floating. I’ve always floated, never rising, never falling. That’s the worst place to be, is it not?
I came here to write about something good and got off track. So, it’s not that nothing good happened this summer. I went to Ohio with one of my best friends (I’m lucky enough to have more than one best friends. I have 2. Even though it’s a trite term, I cannot just call them friends.) In Ohio I saw almost my entire family! Who gets to do that? I visited an old friend in Baltimore. I spent a week on the beach with my Mom, I got the fight the waves there, too. I went to some parties, some bars, some galleries, some restaurants, some movies, some parks. Every last bit of those things are all very well and good but I still feel lonely and unfulfilled. So I’m making some changes soon. I’ll explain more when I know that it is 100% happening. If you’re actually reading this far, then don’t be upset with me. Or if you’ve actually read this far you’re someone who already knows.
